Looks like I have another night of studying ahead, but this time I am prepared , I am motivated and I am ready. So on Monday i have two written exams the first one is a very hard maths test and the other is mechanics and statics.
Feeling motivated and hopeful .
Let us just hope that all this will be over soon and that some time from now I will laugh about all this and that my sorrow will soon pass…..
Well now i think that the Universe , God or whatever is there is conspiring against me , my knee injury is getting worse now I can’t walk and tomorrow is my electronics exam i have to go to college but no one can drive me and i have to walk to the bus which would not be a problem if things were normal but now I can not stand upright nor even walk so I probably will be late or wont even make it in time for the exam.
My GF who is really precious to me and i love her more than anything is probably moving to Canada because her parents will probably lose their jobs and that means that I might never see her again it really sucks because i can’t do a thing about it and i really want to help them.
Not to say that everything that i have struggled to achieve in the past few years is falling apart first when i started college i had to quit my archery training when i just started to make it (became national champion), and after that i started failing some exams in the first year of college which bummed me out quite a lot but i did not give up then i started the new year of college with optimism i also passed some of my old exams and thought life had finally taken a turn for the better for me bud God was I wrong the problems would only multiply for me so around New Year my family threatened to fall apart , latter i failed most of my exams and got sick almost died and now basically nothing seems positive anymore but I wont give up, I wont give in, I have to stand up and fight with everything I got cause there is no other way for me.
As I said at the beginning I have that feeling as if God wants to punish me for something I did in my past life, damn I must have been Adolf Hitler in my past life for him to punish me like that. I hope he becomes merciful in the end.
So my bad luck streak continues and there is no end in sight. I was studying today for about four hours in the morning and in the afternoon for some 3 hours and i have not made any progress and i got three days until the exam so basically I am screwed, and to put a cherry on top of the cake of misery that is my life I hurt my knee so badly I cannot walk and the pain is getting worse and worse. Looks like I’m the new Bad Luck Brian.
So I’m still depressed from yesterday and to add up to that I have to study Electronics and I do not understand a thing, so I’m kinda stuck, and the worst part is the exam is on Friday. Looks like I will have to study all night long.
The glass is full and ready to spill.
The feeling of guilt is overtaking me and I feel bad for some things I have done and been part of. So today I was thinking a bit because it was raining and there was thunder and lightning outside and there was no electricity so i went to my room to take a nap but instead i started to think about certain things that happened in the near past and about the things that happened during my childhood.
So a few days ago i received a call from my GF’s mother she said that my GF’s grades dropped and all because of me , she also said that if her grades do not get higher we will not be able to see each other anymore. Another thought that came into my mind was my GF’s grandfather from Italy who is very ill and needs care so my GF was supposed to go there for two years and take care of him , but instead she staid here because of me getting pneumonia and her grandfather is getting worse and worse and it is all my fault. Another thing is that i might drop out of college and therefore disappoint my family who have high expectations of me.
Sometimes i think it was better if i was not even born in the first place, then my parents would not have gotten married and therefore would not have gotten divorced and I would have been spared this miserable excuse some may call life.
I am writing this here because I have no one to talk to right now, no one who would listen to this and no one who would understand..